Is Open Communication in a Relationship Actually a Good Thing?

A penny for your thoughts…or maybe I’d rather not know…

Healthy communication is a primary foundation for a healthy relationship. It is often viewed as the ability to openly share thoughts and feelings with one another. While this is an important part of connection, healthy communication also involves discernment about what is helpful to share and what may be better left unsaid.

As an EFT (Emotion Focused Therapy) therapist, I am all about expressing emotions and value the importance of sharing feelings within a relationship. On a daily basis, I am encouraging my clients to share with their partners why something feels hurtful, valuable or important to them. The goal of this, of course, is that understanding breeds empathy but also, that understanding breeds connection.

Now there-in lies the caveat. Sharing your thoughts and feelings with your partner is crucial but only when that sharing will actually breed connection. Not all thoughts need to or should be shared with your partner. Sharing does not mean unfiltered expression, nor does emotional vulnerability require that one share every thought in the moment it arises.

Some thoughts come up when we are overwhelmed, tired, or emotionally flooded, and they don’t always reflect what we truly feel or need. Other thoughts are shaped by past hurts or old relationship patterns, not by what is actually happening with our partner right now. When we say these thoughts out loud without pausing to sort them through, they can land as criticism or rejection. Instead of building connection, they inhibit the safety in the relationship.

This is why how and whether we speak matters just as much as what we feel.

Before you Speak THINK.

A helpful way to pause and choose our words more carefully is to use the THINK framework.

T- is it true?

H- is it helpful?

I- is it inspiring?

N- is it necessary?

K- is it kind?

Each letter of THINK offers a different pause point, helping us shift from emotional reaction to intentional response.

“Is it true?” invites us to notice whether what we are about to say is a fact, an interpretation, or a story our mind is telling us. When our emotions are heightened, our thoughts can quickly shift toward assumptions or worst-case scenarios. Pausing here allows us to separate what we know from what we fear.

“Is it helpful?” asks us to consider the purpose of sharing this thought and additionally whether this is the right moment to do so. Will my choice of words increase understanding or clarify a need? Or is it more likely to escalate tension or leave our partner feeling defensive? A thought can be honest and still not be helpful at a particular time.

“Is it inspiring?” does not mean that everything we say has to sound positive or encouraging. It’s a reminder to consider whether our words will move the relationship forward and open the door to repair. When communication comes from a genuine desire to build the relationship, the language used will express a wish for closeness rather than carry a blaming tone. 

“Is it necessary?” looks at trading communication emanating from a sense of urgency for communication that is actually necessary and valuable. Some emotions and thoughts feel pressing in a moment of distress but are better left unsaid or said at a time when the intensity of the moment has passed. Timing often determines whether a message leads to understanding or defensiveness. Not everything that is true needs to be said immediately in order to be addressed effectively.

Finally, “Is it kind?” reminds us that kindness does not mean you have to avoid honesty. Kindness is about how our words land. It considers tone, timing, and delivery. We can speak firmly, clearly, and honestly while still being respectful, emotionally safe, and kind.

If you only take away one thing here… remember, good communication doesn’t come from saying everything that crosses your mind. Taking a moment to THINK things through can greatly improve how your words are received. It can lead to calmer conversations, fewer unnecessary arguments, and more moments of understanding and connection.

If your communication could use some support, couples therapy can help. Contact us to learn more about how counselling at Creating Connections can support you.