How Do I Get My Needs Met in My Relationship?

What would you say if I told you I’ve got the secret formula to getting what you want in your relationship?

Do you think I’m bluffing or are you rolling your eyes just thinking of the ridiculous answer I’m going to give, Is there even a small part of you that wants to keep reading and maybe try out what I have to say? I hope so…read on…

After working with couples for ten years and being in a couple for a lot longer than that, I’ve got some tips to share…Drum roll please…You want to know how to get your husband/wife/partner to meet your needs or do something you want…. What you have to do is ask for it.

Why Mind-Reading Doesn't Work

We are so in the habit of wishing our partner would…..wanting our partner to….that we often don’t even realize how often we miss asking for our needs to be met. When there is something you need from your partner, you need to ask for that specific need, for it to be met. Relationships are not in the business of fortune telling and mind reading. Mind reading in a relationship is one of the biggest factors contributing to poor communication, causing many an argument, constant disappointment and even resentment. We have to clearly verbalize when something is important to us. This is a foundation of healthy communication in every relationship.

Now don’t get me wrong, just asking for what you want is not going to work 100% of the time, I was not promising that. But what I can promise you, is that there is far better chance of you getting what you need, if you ask for it, then if you just sit there stewing over the need not being met. If you’re not yet convinced, don’t trust me, trust the research. There are actual studies (Gordon et al, 2013; Givertz et al., 2009) on the impact of mind-reading on relationships, and the results aren’t pretty. I’m sure you can guess that the research shows if you expect that your partner will know what you want, need or what’s bothering you without clearly expressing it, it will only foster distance, conflict and increased dissatisfaction in your relationship.

How to Ask for What you Need?

So how do you ask for what you need in a way that your partner will actually listen?

Here’s a few tips:

1.     Choose the Right Moment

Timing is everything! When you or your partner are hungry or tired, in a rush or already stressed about something….not the time! Pick a time where you are both relatively calm, you are both well fed, and are not likely to get distracted, and lastly check in with them, “Is now a good time to ask you about something?”

2.     Be Direct

Now that you have set the tone, be super clear. Make sure to communicate what you want. Use straightforward language like: “I’d really appreciate it if you could…”, “Would you be able to…”

3.     Don’t Leave them Guessing

Make your request specific and actionable. Rather than sharing with your partner why you are upset or dissatisfied, skip to the results. Tell them what exactly would alleviate your distress. Adding a brief explanation as to why that would be helpful for you is a bonus. So for example, rather than, “I wish you’d help more around here.” Try saying: “It would be so helpful for me if you could put the dishes away tonight after dinner?” To add the brief explanation would sound like. “It would help me feel less overwhelmed in the evenings.”  or: “I would love to go out with you. It would mean a lot to me if you would plan a date night for us for Thursday night, could you do that for me?’’

4.     Seal the Deal

The last, and highly crucial, component in this formula is appreciation. Before they even have a chance to do it, set the tone by expressing your appreciation for what they are going to do. “Thank you. I really appreciate you helping with this.”, “I really appreciate this it will make my week so much easier” or something along these lines. You know what they want to hear, and if you don’t, well you know what you would want to hear, so start there.

So plan the timing, be direct and specific, giving clear direction and show your appreciation. The idea is not to leave them guessing and needing to figure out what will make you happy because you’ve laid it out clearly from the outset. Now there will still be times, where moods, underlying tension and other challenges get in the way (more on that another time) but this is a clear formula to get you started.

If you’ve tried these steps, but still find you are struggling to feel understood in your relationship couples therapy may be helpful for both of you. Let us know if you’d like to schedule a call to hear more about our support for couples.