“What is one piece of advice you would give to the bride?” The famous question heard at many bridal showers, as the women with many years of marriage under their belt are asked to share their pearls of wisdom with the soon to be married bride.
I was recently asked this question at a cousin’s bridal shower and I knew exactly what I was going to say. I also knew that someone else at that same shower was going to give the exact opposite advice. Despite that, I fully stand behind my advice.
My Advice
I have no doubt that you’ve heard the old adage, “whatever you do, never go to bed angry”. If you and your partner are arguing, you need to sort it out before you go to sleep, so that when your heads hit the pillow, you and the argument are put to rest.
My advice that day was the opposite, “it’s okay to go to bed angry”.
It’s ok to just stop talking for the night and go to sleep. To still be upset and say goodnight. To have more to discuss, but to leave it for another time.
Don’t get me wrong. In any relationship, it’s less than ideal to end the day without trying to resolve the argument you are in with your partner. But let’s be honest, couples today are working very hard; working outside of the home, working inside the home, child rearing, managing life, etc. Dealing with their own mental wellness, physical health, and other familial and friend relationships. There is a lot going on. There isn’t always time to add in “meaningful and calm discussion with partner” on the to-do list. Especially when that conversation is a controversial one.
It’s 11:00 PM. It has been a long day, it's going to be an early morning and all you can think of is how nice it would be for your head to hit that pillow. But then your partner makes a comment that upsets you, or a comment you make lands on them the wrong way and a few words before bed has just escalated into an argument.
Go to bed angry!
When we are tired, we are more likely to say things that we can’t unsay, more likely to hurt those we love simply because our brain is not working at it’s full capacity. Imagine how much better you’ll feel after a solid night’s rest. How much clearer your mind will be, how much more successfully you will manage regulating your emotions, and how much easier it will be able to come up with a much kinder thing to say. Your body and mind will have had time to rest and recuperate, and you’ll much more energized for a productive conversation rather than, for a nasty fight.
A conversation with your partner, especially around something that you are disagreeing about, requires both people’s undivided attention - which is often easier said than done. Physically, this means no children, no devices, no distractions. Mentally, it means not being completely wiped from the day, and actually having the capacity to have a mindful and present conversation, and most importantly not have one of you commit the most grievous act of falling asleep in the middle of it. Emotionally, it means you need to feel ready and open to hear what your partner is actually saying and not allow your personal interpretations to impact the meaning.
It's Never Easy
Relationships are challenging. If we want our conversations with our partner to go well, we have to orchestrate opportunities for these connections. It takes the physical, mental and emotional preparation noted above to allow for a productive conversation to be had.
Say you knew you had an important meeting at the end of the day, you would mentally and practically plan in advance and prepare for it throughout the day, ensuring the logistics such as transportation, dinner, child care, etc. were in line. It may sound a bit funny to put the same amount of preparation into a conversation with your partner, but life is busy. Book in time with your partner, a specific and allotted time to have your important and perhaps conflictual conversations. You then, have a much better chance for that conversation to go well and to be productive, rather than, trying to have it at 11pm.
So go to bed angry, if that’s what you or your partner needs. Set an exact time for the next day or two when you can continue the conversation with your partner about what is troubling you or what is upsetting them. Mark it down in your calendars and make it a priority, but go to sleep.
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