What Are The Stages of Grief?

Most people think of the stages of grief, as the process by which grief runs through a person when they have lost someone or something in their lives. The stages of grief actually begin long before the loss sets in. They begin in the slow transition that occurs as one moves into a loss. We don’t always have warning signs in every type of loss; ‘signs’ like the illness progressing, the relationship clearly deteriorating, the negative feedback from our boss right before a budget cut. Sometimes loss progresses slowly with each milestone a step closer to a final day. Other losses are sudden, denying us the edging in that knowledge of an approaching loss can allow. The stages of grief, also encompass the steps by which loss enters our life, presents itself in different moments and develops as time goes on. The stages of grief are therefore better described as both how we enter a loss and also, how we inch away from it.

I Need More Time

Allowing our system time to acclimate is probably the most beneficial aspect of a creeping loss. When one’s loved one enters a long term care facility, for example, they haven’t passed away, but their presence in our life has shifted. We no longer see them right when we wake, we now have to drive somewhere, wait for visiting hours, and acclimate to a new and sometimes awkward relational environment, in order for our day with them to begin. There is loss there in that transition that is important to acknowledge and also, in a strange way, appreciate.

This shift and distance, allows one to start to dip their feet in the waters of grief. There is a real sadness and loss with the transition, a missing and emptiness that can occur even though their loved one is still alive. This is because there has been a loss, a loss of the comfort, the closeness and the consistency they once experienced. A loss to the hope that their family members health will improve. A loss to the partnership and togetherness, their relationship brought. This doesn’t even consider the multitude of losses that may have occurred before the current one. The losses that a diagnosis brought. The losses that physical deterioration brought. The losses the sadness brought, and so much more.

With all of this loss, there is a part of us that perhaps when reflecting, can still value the significance of having the chance to transition slowly, rather than suddenly, to a life without your loved one. A life where one has the opportunity to acclimate to the shifts in their reality, while not needing to say any final goodbyes. So while it sounds quite strange to be grateful for the opportunity of long term care, when one allows themselves the grace, the significance can become apparent.

Recognizing the gift in the tragedy, allows us to take advantage of this time and process our loss at our own speed, well, at least at a slower speed. The loss is progressing and yet we have the vantage point of being a bit more prepared, for how it may unfold. Below are some thoughts on how to use this time, to support us in being able to manage the unimaginable.

How to Prepare for an Approaching Loss

When a loss is approaching, whether it’s the end of a relationship, a decline in health, a move to long-term care, or the slow fading of someone we love, it helps to consider how we can support ourselves and prepare, to soften the impending pain.

Below are a few ideas to consider:

1. Name and Acknowledge the Smaller Losses Often, we wait to call something a loss until it has had an official ending. However, as we named above, it is really each change, each aspect of the loss, each goodbye to a hope, each role they no longer fill, or each milestone they miss that deserves recognition. Try to bring some recognition for yourself to the losses you have experienced. You can write them down, name them to yourself out loud, or share them with a friend or other support. Naming the loss helps you to process it.

2. Let Yourself Feel in Waves Grief rarely arrives in a straight line. You may feel sorrow one moment, relief the next, then guilt, anger, or gratitude. This is natural. Instead of judging yourself for how you are feeling, notice each wave, feel it, experience it and let it wash over you. Resisting or fighting the waves, can often bring more distress. Allow yourself the space to feel, to cry, to grieve.

3. Create Small Rituals of Connection Even when change is inevitable, it’s important and helpful to find ways to remain connected to what you are losing. This could mean being mindful and more present in the time you do have together, doing something symbolic to honor this chapter in your life, collecting your photos and creating a memory book or writing goodbye letters that you may not even give.

4. Gather Support We often tell ourselves that we don’t need help. That we’re fine, we can manage, and we’ll ask for it when we need it. If you sense a loss approaching, this is a good time to connect with supports, even before you ‘need’ it, but rather to help you prepare yourself and already have in place when the day arrives. One can always benefit from a friend, family member, or grief therapist beside them.

5. Consider What You Want to Say or Do. Regrets are so difficult to resolve. The gift of a slow approaching grief, is time. The time to express the things you want to, or do the things that will be of value and importance to you. To ask the questions you want to know, or make the memories you want to capture. Share the appreciation, the love or the forgiveness. Make the most of the time and connection you still have.

While there is no preparation that erases the pain, there are ways to soften the sting by preparing our hearts as the losses unfold. If you’re navigating a loss or sensing one approaching, perhaps reach out to a grief therapist to prepare yourself a space, to process the grief that you may already be experiencing.