Unseen Grief

The Challenge of Living Loss

Grief is classically associated with death, but there are many ways loss can show up in our lives, often in less visible or obvious forms, yet impacting us all the same. I wanted to bring awareness today to one aspect of this unseen grief: namely, loss as a result of family illness.

When a loved one is still physically present but changed by illness, dementia, or other such circumstances, the grief can feel overwhelming, isolating, and difficult to process. This type of grief, often called ambiguous loss, is marked by an absence of closure, making recovery or emotional processing a significant challenge. The loss is ongoing, and as a result, the grief may feel never-ending.

The Many Faces of Unseen Grief

Ambiguous loss can be felt in a variety of scenarios, including:

• A parent with dementia who no longer remembers you.

• A spouse whose personality has changed due to a physically degenerative illness.

• A child with a progressive neurological disorder, where, among other losses, grief is felt around your dreams for their future.

• A friend or family member who is emotionally absent due to addiction or mental illness.

  
  

In these circumstances, you are constantly grieving the loss of the person you once knew, or hoped to know, the relationship you shared or wish you could share, and the future you may never have. Unlike traditional grief, where there is a clear before and after, this type of loss lingers in uncertainty, loosely hanging by a thread in anticipation of what is yet to come.

The Isolation of Ambiguous Grief

One of the most painful aspects of ambiguous grief is how isolating it can feel. Because this type of loss isn’t widely recognized, others may not understand why you're grieving. You might be encouraged to “focus on the positives,” like the fact that your loved one is still physically present. Well-meaning phrases such as “At least they’re still here” can unintentionally invalidate the very real grief that comes from losing the essence of someone you once knew.

This lack of understanding often makes it hard to share your grief, even with those closest to you—for fear they just won’t understand. It’s compounded by the inner conflict of emotions like sadness, guilt, frustration, and even, at times, anticipated relief. That sense of wanting relief can be the most difficult to accept, often bringing intense feelings of shame, especially when you're told you should feel grateful instead.

Not everyone experiences ambiguous grief in the same way, but if you’ve felt this complex mix of emotions, know that you are not alone. Your experience is painful, but also deeply human, and more common than many people realize.

Finding Ways to Cope

Coping with ambiguous grief requires a different approach than traditional mourning. Here are some strategies that may help:

1. Acknowledge the Loss

Give yourself permission to grieve. Recognizing that your loss is real and significant is the first step in processing it.

2. Name Your Feelings

Putting words to your emotions, whether through journaling, therapy, or support groups, can help you make sense of your experience. There is no “right” way to grieve; whatever you feel is valid. Therapists familiar with ambiguous loss can offer guidance and validation, helping you process complex emotions and build resilience.

3. Let Go of What Was Lost to Make Room for What Is

Once you’ve spent time acknowledging what has been lost, try to turn your attention to finding new ways to connect with your loved one as they are now. This doesn’t mean ignoring the pain, but rather shifting expectations to find moments of meaning within the new dynamic.

4. Find Community

Connecting with others who understand ambiguous loss, whether through caregiver support groups or online communities, can provide comfort and reassurance that you are not alone in your experience.

5. Take Care of Yourself

The ongoing nature of this grief can be exhausting. Prioritizing self-care, through rest, creative outlets, or small moments of joy, can help sustain you through the emotional challenges.

Holding Space for Both Love and Loss

Navigating unseen grief is not about letting go but about learning to hold both love and loss at the same time. It’s about making space for sorrow while also allowing yourself to find joy where you can.

If you are experiencing ambiguous loss, know that your grief is real, your emotions are valid, and you are not alone. By offering yourself the compassion you would extend to a friend, you can navigate this journey with greater resilience and grace.

We are here to support you in your loss. Visit our grief services page to learn more, or get in touch if you would like to work with one of our grief counsellors, to process your ongoing loss, with someone who understands.