Want Something Different in Your Relationship? Try Asking for It.

What would you say if I told you I knew what you could do to get more of what you want in your relationship? Some of you might think I’m bluffing. Others might be expecting some complicated answers. A few of you might even be wondering if I actually know what I’m talking about.

After working with couples for over ten years, and being in a relationship for even longer than that, I can tell you that the answer is surprisingly simple. Drumroll, please… 

You ask for it!

When there is something you need from your partner, tell them what it is. Be specific. Give details. Asking for what you are wanting and needing from them is the first step in getting more of what you want in your relationship.

Will this work 100% of the time? No, of course not. I’m not pretending to give you a magic wand. Your partner may not always be able to give you what you need, even when you ask. You do, however, have a much better chance of getting what you want, when you actually let your partner know what that want is.

Your Partner Isn’t a Mind Reader

Whenever I meet with a new couple, I know very little about their relationship, but there is one thing I am fairly certain of: neither one of them is a professional mind reader.

Expecting our partners to know what we need without telling them is one of the biggest sources of miscommunication in relationships. It can lead to arguments, disappointment and, over time, resentment. Yet we still find ourselves thinking, “Well, they should know,” or “Why don’t they remember that I told them this?”

The truth is, relationships would be a whole lot easier if we could read each other’s minds. Unfortunately, that’s not quite how it works. We can’t actually read our partner’s mind, but that doesn’t always stop us from trying to. I have done my fair share of ‘mind reading’, too. The few times I happened to be right gave me just enough confidence to try again. Somehow, my average still hasn’t improved!

If we’re being honest, we tend to do a lot of this mind reading in a negative context. “Why are they mad at me?” “They don’t even care!” “They think I’m just supposed to take care of everything.”

We start filling in the blanks ourselves, often with explanations that leave us feeling hurt or frustrated. Meanwhile, our partner may have absolutely no idea what is going on in our heads.

We do it to our partners. Yet when it comes down to it is that really what we want them doing to us? Do we want our partner just making assumptions on what we’re feeling, thinking and wanting?The fluidity of clearly expressing to our partner what would be a support for us, what would make our day, or what would help us out, is so worth the effort there. 

What Happens When We Expect Our Partner to Just Know?

In case you’re still on the fence, I want to share with you that psychologists have actually researched what happens when couples expect their partner to mind read. The expectations we create in our mind have been shown to increase the difficulty in resolving conflict, lower relationship satisfaction and cause angrier communication.

Think about how often a disagreement you have with your partner is actually about something that was never even said out loud. It was an impression we got or an assumption we made. One partner feels hurt because the other didn’t notice something was wrong. The other feels confused or criticized because they had no idea how they were supposed to know that in the first place. Before long, both partners are upset, and neither is quite sure how they got there.

Being able to understand your partner’s feelings and perspectives can be a wonderful thing. The key to that though is empathic accuracy. If the understanding isn’t accurate, you lose the benefits. The only way to get to that accuracy is clear communication. You want to get those wants? Be clear. Let your partner know that you are hurt and tell them what you need from them. At least then they have the ability to repair in a way that will create the connection you are looking for. 

So, What Does Asking for It Actually Look Like?

Let’s say you have had a long day, you’re exhausted, and you wish your partner would step in and help more with the kids. You might find yourself thinking, How can they not see how tired I am? They know what my day looked like!? You might feel hurt that they haven’t offered to help, and either you’re stewing inside or you let your frustration out as a comment about how little they do around the house.

That’s a result of mind reading. I presume to know what they are thinking or not thinking.

Now imagine saying, “I’ve had a really long day, and I’m feeling exhausted and overwhelmed. Could you take over bedtime tonight so I don’t have to juggle that with everything else?” This gives your partner a clear understanding of where you are at and something concrete to do about it. Instead of hoping they will figure out what you need, you’re giving them an opportunity to show up for you, and in a way that would actually be a support for you. 

This applies to the little things, too. If you feel loved when your partner checks in during the day, tell them that. If you need a little more affection, ask for it. If you want your partner to listen rather than immediately offer solutions, let them know.

I once had a friend dismiss the idea of love languages, arguing that her husband should simply know what she needs without being told. I understand the sentiment. We all want to feel known by our partners. There is something lovely about someone remembering the little things that make us feel loved.

Still, being known doesn’t mean being understood perfectly. Even the most attentive partner cannot always know what we need, especially when those needs can often change from one day to the next. 

So to her I said, and let this be your take home as well…

“They are not a mind reader! Nor would you ever want them to be one!”

Asking for What You Need Can Bring You Closer

I can appreciate that saying what you need isn’t always easy. Sometimes we worry about sounding demanding. Sometimes we feel that if we have to ask, it doesn’t count. We want our partner to notice, to think of us, and to offer without being prompted.

Those feelings make sense. At the same time, asking for what you need gives your partner a chance to understand you better. Over time, those conversations can help you learn more about each other and build a relationship where both of you feel more secure, understood and connected.

Of course, communication doesn’t guarantee that your partner will always agree or be able to meet every need. The way you ask matters, too. A request made with openness is more likely to invite a conversation than a demand made out of frustration.

The next time you find yourself thinking, “They should just know”, pause for a moment and ask yourself whether you have actually told them what you need.

You might be surprised by what changes when you do.

At the end of the day, I don’t want my partner guessing what will make me happy, and I don’t want to spend my time guessing what will make them happy. I want us to be able to tell each other, to listen, and to keep learning how to show up for one another.

That’s exactly what I want for your relationship, too.

If you and your partner are finding it difficult to communicate your needs or keep getting caught in the same arguments, couples therapy can help you find new ways to understand each other and feel more connected. Reach out to schedule a free consultation with one of our couples therapists.