Mom Guilt After Having a Baby

Why It Shows Up and How to Talk Back to It

Postpartum guilt can arrive quietly, often before you’ve even had a chance to understand what life as a mother really feels like. You think you’re just tired, overwhelmed, or adjusting, but then the self-judgment begins: “I don’t feel the way I’m ‘supposed’ to.” “I should know how to deal with this or what to do.” You love your baby and yet there are moments that don’t match the script you thought motherhood would follow and guilt begins to fill the gaps.

 

When Love Doesn’t Show Up the Way You Thought It Would

Sometimes a long-awaited baby is placed in your arms and instead of instant love, you feel… nothing. Or maybe you're still pregnant and you’re sad or anxious and immediately assume you’re harming your baby emotionally just by feeling that way. It is so common to wonder, “What if I don’t love them enough? What if something is wrong with me?” These thoughts aren’t signs of failure, they’re signs of how deeply you care.

Even after infertility or loss, when you thought you’d only ever feel grateful, guilt can hit harder because you think you're not “allowed” to struggle now that your baby is here. What you are feeling is actually so normal. So much pressure has been put on the importance of this child that it’s normal to be left with so much overwhelm at the idea that what you’ve waited for all this time is finally here…and now what?

The Pressure to Be Everything All at Once

Whether you're a first-time mom or adding another child to your family, guilt often shows up as a comparison to an imagined version of yourself. We often picture ourselves as parents being endlessly patient, calm, and confident, and now we’re running on no sleep, crying in the shower, or snapping at your toddler. Maybe you wanted to soak in every second, but instead you’re dissociating, overstimulated, or clock-watching during night feeds. The voice in your mind becomes, “I’m doing this wrong. I’m not the mom I was supposed to be.”

If you have older kids, the guilt can shift to them as well. You may start to worry they feel replaced, ignored, or pushed aside by the new baby. Even when you’re genuinely feeling joy about your baby’s birth, there can be a deep guilt about that your older children aren’t getting now, and the ways you can’t be as available to them. It can feel like no matter how much you care, there’s a gap between what they need and the attention you’re able to give. Guilt doesn’t wait for logic or readiness, it creeps in, often disguised as self-reflection but actually fueled by fear and pressure.

The Tiny Moments That Spiral Into “I’m a Bad Mom”

Mom guilt doesn’t need a dramatic event to activate. It sneaks in through everyday moments:

·       Being uninterested in bedtime after a long, over-stimulating day and replaying it all night

·       Dropping your baby at day-care and wondering if they'll think you love them less

·       Missing a milestone because you had to go back to work

·       Choosing to go back to work because staying at home for the full maternity leave seems downright awful.

·       Realizing your child has been wearing shoes that are too small and instantly deciding it means you’re careless or inattentive.

Most moms don’t think, “This was an understandable mistake or decision.” 

They think, “I’m failing and everyone else would have handled this better.”

Why do we speak to ourselves this way?

Shifting How You Speak to Your Guilt

Guilt often tells you that caring isn’t enough unless it looks perfect. But what matters most isn’t never messing up, it’s how you respond when things don’t go as planned.

With a new baby, those moments can feel magnified: a feed that didn’t go smoothly, a nap that didn’t happen, or a day when exhaustion makes patience vanish. One of the most powerful tools is learning to create a new internal dialogue, gently reminding yourself that connection and love aren’t erased by small setbacks.

Even simple words to yourself can make a difference:

·       “I’m doing my best right now, and that is enough.”

·       “It’s okay if I don’t get everything perfect—my baby still feels my love.”

·       “I am allowed to feel tired, frustrated, or unsure and still be a good mom.”

·       “Small moments of connection, like cuddles or eye contact, matter more than I realize.”

·       “It’s okay to ask for help or take a break; caring for myself helps me care for my baby.

You Weren’t Meant to Carry This Alone

Guilt grows in isolation. Sharing your experience, whether with a friend, another mom, a support group, an online space, or a therapist, can help you manage the guilt you are feeling. Other people can reflect things we can’t see in ourselves: the love, effort, and intention that guilt tries to erase.

Sometimes just hearing, “Me too,” is enough to soften the edges.

The very fact that you’re worrying about getting it right is proof of how deeply you care. Parenting doesn’t give you instant feedback or a scorecard. Sometimes you have to look at the small moments, like the way your baby curls into you, or how your toddler reaches for your hand and remind yourself: they will feel loved because they are loved.

Postpartum counselling can help you untangle the thoughts, the guilt and help you reconnect with the mother you already are, not the perfect one you think you’re supposed to be. Contact us to learn more about how we can help.