How Can I Stay Calm When My Teen Is Acting Up?

As parents we are constantly looking to meet our children’s needs. Always on the lookout for the clothes they need, the food they like, the activities they may enjoy and the supports we can put in place. What gets lost in the shuffle of all this excitement, however, is us. Our needs, our likes and dislikes, and our emotional well-being. If we really want to take care of our kids we need to make sure we are well taken care of first. In our most recent post on back to school anxieties we mentioned the concept of co-regulation, the art of using our own inner calm to support our dysregulated and struggling child. The challenge here is that if we haven’t yet found our inner calm we will have nothing to utilize to support our kids.

That’s where SAFE comes in, a simple framework to guide you in co-regulation, so you can care for yourself and support your teen at the same time.

Co-Regulation - a Way to Support our Teenagers

S for Self-Care. 

Watching our teenager struggling can bring up a lot of emotions for us as parents. We’ve watched them grow and develop into young adults with hopes and dreams for their future. There were sleepless nights and soccer practices, dance recitals and afternoons at the park. There is a lot of energy we have poured into our child and all we want is for them to be okay!

But what we can’t forget in our parenting journey is to remember to stay in tune with ourselves as people.

Ask yourself, What is going on for me right now as I see my teenager like this? How is seeing them in panic, struggling socially, deep in depression, or avoiding school, impacting me?

When our children are anxious, it can often cause us to feel anxious ourselves. When our child is really unmotivated and in their room a lot of the time, it can feel like that dark cloud is stretching over our heads as well. So our first step in the SAFE approach is to ask ourselves:

What can I do to contribute to my own self care?

What do I need to bring myself back into a healthier mental/emotional space?

Breathing exercises, meditations, taking a walk, listening to music, getting some quiet or soft sensory input are all ways in which you can access this calm space even if you are short on time.

A for Anchoring. 

Once you feel a bit more grounded, connected to yourself, and aware of your personal experience, you can then start to anchor yourself back to your connection with your child. Assessing and becoming aware of your own feelings can give you more space for your child’s emotions and personal experience.

Your teen may be taller than you and in many ways really coming into their young adulthood but the truth is that a teenager’s brain, specifically their prefrontal cortex, is not fully developed. This leaves them unable to self-regulate at times, especially when something is very challenging or upsetting for them. It is connecting to you, to your regulated and steady presence that allows for a child to come back to a place of emotional balance. This connection helps lower their stress response so they can think more clearly. Children use adults as a reference point.

Researchers have done experiments where babies were placed on a glass floor with their mother on the other side of the glass. If the mother looked scared, the baby wouldn’t crawl across. But if the mother stayed calm, smiled, and encouraged them, the baby would go right over. The baby is basically thinking, “Okay, if my mom’s not worried, then maybe this isn’t so scary.” Teens do the same thing. They still look to us to gauge, “How big of a deal is this? Am I safe?” When you show calm and steadiness, your child can sense that they’re secure, supported, and loved.

F is for Feeling Felt. 

So you began to acknowledge there is this big emotion happening for my child and I need to be that safe space for them. Your calm presence in itself starts to regulate them, but there is more you can do to help that process along. Dan Seigel coined the term ‘name it to tame it’ to describe the real impact that speaking about or naming an emotion can have on calming a person’s nervous system. There is a whole science to this, connected to the mechanisms of the pre-frontal cortex, but in essence engaging the language part of our brain can help to regulate one’s emotions. Not all teenagers will be as emotionally aware as you would like them to be so you may need to help that process along by actually suggesting to them what you see and hear from them.

Using words like ‘’It sounds like…..(you’re really upset I wouldn’t let you get that app, I want you to be home by 10, I won’t let you go out till you finish studying)’’ Or ‘’I can see that you’re….(really frustrated, feeling anxious, disappointed, etc.)’’ You help your child regulate by helping them feel seen.  

E is for Empowerment.

 

Co-regulation isn’t just about providing comfort, it is also about providing guidance. When you show up calmly in the face of a challenge there are skills that you utilize to be able to accomplish that (think about what we just learnt above under S-Self Care) Those skills that you are applying to get yourself regulated, are exactly the skills that your teenager needs to learn.

Once you’ve established connection in step 2 (A- Anchor) your teen will be much more open to accepting guidance and support. For example, If your teen is anxious about an assignment for school, you can teach them ways to manage stress, ‘’let’s take a deep breathe and try and break this project into smaller tasks’’. Learning these skills will empower your teen to feel confident that they can face challenges and regain composure, even when things begin to feel too overwhelming.

Parenting is hard, and staying calm when your teen is escalated can feel even harder. The good news is that co-regulation and the SAFE technique is a skill that becomes easier with practice. Using the strategies above provides you a framework to lean on whenever emotions run high.

If you’d like extra support in building these habits or want guidance tailored to your family, our teen therapy services can help. We work with both teens and parents to create calmer, more connected relationships. Book a free consultation today to learn more about how we help families feel SAFE again.