Feeling Alone in a Crowd

How Social Anxiety Fuels Isolation

Do you ever find yourself thinking :

“Ugh why did I say that?!”

“They probably think I’m so weird.”

“I have no idea what to say”

If these are common thoughts for you, while during or following social interactions, you may be struggling with social anxiety. For many people, social anxiety brings persistent concerns of being judged, misunderstood or rejected. Your thoughts may get stuck on the words you say and the decisions you are making, like a loop of worry over how others are going to view you.

It’s not just about the nerves you may have before a presentation or a big event. It could be the kind of worry that follows you into your everyday conversations, second-guessing every word you say and every move you make. Over time, these thoughts can feel very isolating.

The Emotional Weight of Social Anxiety

These social concerns often make being around others mentally and emotionally exhausting. You might feel like you're constantly performing or managing how others see you, which can make it harder to connect, harder to make decisions and harder just to be yourself. That disconnection can feel heavy and lonely.

When these feelings of “otherness” arise, people tend to cope in a few common ways. None of them are inherently bad in isolation, but may be fueling your anxiety and may not be the version of yourself that you actually want to present to the world. Becoming aware of them will help you decide if your go to coping mechanism is serving you or if you’d like things to start looking different.

1.    Embracing the "Outsider" Identity

Some people lean into the idea that they feel different or self-conscious socially and cope with the anxiety by making the otherness a part of their identity. This may mean that being ‘’different’’, ‘’weird’’, ‘’shy’’ or ‘’the quiet type’’ becomes a part of how we see ourselves and how we identify ourselves to others. In action, this may look like deciding not to join in on conversations when the group of friends is too big or includes people we don’t know so well or aren’t so close with. Maybe you join by sharing random facts and embrace that this is the only way that you contribute to the conversation. You may embrace that you are the ‘quiet one’ among your friends and be proud of it. It’s important to note that this is likely still driven by your social anxiety but may bring a sense of safety or self-acceptance, in a way that allows you to still feel a part of your social circle. I can imagine, however, that there is still a wonderful part of you that does not get seen or known, because of the social worries.

2.    Avoiding Social Situations Altogether

Others may try to manage the discomfort by limiting their exposure to any social situations that elicit their anxiety. Avoidance is a natural response to anxiety. It’s great at providing short-term relief, but over time it can deepen feelings of isolation. The less you engage, the more foreign and intimidating social situations can feel. This caused a lot of challenges for many people post pandemic, who suddenly felt very uncomfortable re-entering into their previously comfortable social environments. The social muscles we don’t flex, start aching. The key to challenging social anxiety is practice and exposure. Exposing ourselves to the challenging environment and doing our best to socialize one comment, one interaction or one event at a time.

3.    Becoming "Overly Social" to Cope

Coping with feelings of social anxiety can also manifest by someone being overly loud or social in uncomfortable environments. You may take on social roles or use substances to help present yourself as the social type, while all the while you are really struggling on the inside. It is so common for people to use alcohol or other substances, or join numerous clubs or sports teams in order to give off a social and comfortable appearance. You might seem like the life of the party, appearing as funny, energetic, and bouncing from one conversation to the next, while inside you notice that large gatherings feel draining to you, leaving you flooded with second-guessing and overthinking everything you said or did. Behind the busyness, there’s anxiety and self-doubt driving the need to perform and connect quickly, before anyone sees how you’re really feeling.

Notice the Pattern. Then Decide.

All of these responses of leaning into being different, avoiding social events, overcompensating with hyper-social behavior are common ways of coping with social anxiety. You might recognize yourself in one of them or even shift between them depending on the situation.

By noticing the patterns, you create space to choose something different. And in that choice, there’s room for change, connection, and a little more ease.

If you want to read more about social anxiety or learn some other ways to manage these feelings, connect with us and we’ll tell you more about making that happen for you.