Early Miscarriage Grief

Hoping to conceive, often means living month to month with a mixture of hope, fear, uncertainty, and excitement. Each cycle can feel like a careful balance between allowing yourself to hope and protecting yourself from disappointment. Then one day it finally happens; you see the positive pregnancy test result you’ve been waiting for. Dreams start to form of baby names and nursery colours as you quietly picture what life will look like with your growing baby.

And then almost as suddenly everything changes. 

It might start with some cramping or spotting, symptoms which can also occur in a healthy pregnancy, leaving a woman holding tightly to the hope that everything is still okay. The waiting, the wondering, the hoping, wrestling with a dose of logic, can be agonizing. Until it becomes clear that this isn’t just spotting and a miscarriage is, in fact, occurring. 

All losses are painful, each in their own way, and early miscarriage carries its own unique challenges. While it may happen early in pregnancy, the grief it brings can feel deep and overwhelming. It can be hard to make sense of such strong emotions when the loss is largely invisible to others. This is often confusing because early pregnancy loss is not widely recognized or openly discussed, leaving many women unsure how to process their grief.

The term ‘’disenfranchised grief’’ refers to a loss that is not openly acknowledged, known, or supported by society or one’s community. When grief goes unseen, those experiencing it may struggle with whether their feelings are valid. Many women do not share their pregnancy early on with extended family or friends, so experiencing a miscarriage at this stage can mean going through the loss alone. The secrecy and silence surrounding early miscarriage can intensify the pain. 

When a typical loss occurs, the mourning period is filled with an outpouring of support, including meals dropped off, messages of care, people checking in. Society has rituals and expectations around loss that help guide and comfort us. With early miscarriage, often no one knows what you’re carrying, which can leave you feeling painfully alone at a time when support is most needed.

To compound the isolation, many women find themselves questioning their own grief: Is this an actual ‘’loss’’ if I was only seven, eight, nine weeks pregnant? Am I allowed to feel this way? How do I mourn a baby I never got to see? You might not even know how you feel, or how you think you should feel. Some women minimize their pain, telling themselves they shouldn’t make a big deal because others have experienced later losses or stillbirth. These thoughts can quietly invalidate very real and valid feelings of grief.

Even after the miscarriage, pregnancy loss is often not openly talked about, which can add to a woman’s feelings of shame or self-blame. Many women search for a reason, trying to make sense of something that is largely out of their control. Was it something I did? Did I not rest enough? Was it because I missed my prenatal vitamins? I lifted that heavy box?  Was it because I exercised that day?

These questions can linger, feeding the growing guilt, shame, and silence. 

The truth, 1 in every 5 pregnancies miscarry in the first 12 weeks, not due to exercise or prenatal vitamins, but because not every pregnancy is viable and possible. Despite the commonality of early miscarriage, the pain and grief are real. In the early weeks of pregnancy, as soon as that pregnancy test shows positive, many women begin to feel connected to their fetus. The emotional pain is intensified by the bond that has already begun to form. There is a rush of excitement and possibility upon learning about the pregnancy, closely followed by a sudden and painful emotional crash. You had just learned your life was about to change, with a new and exciting addition to your life, and then, abruptly and too quickly that dream disappeared. That is a very valid reason to feel sadness, grief, and loss. 

There are also some practical challenges that compound these emotions, as you may be in physical pain, may need to go to the hospital, may need some time off from life, while no one is aware of what has occurred and you may not want to share that news either. 

It’s important to mention that the non-pregnant partner, although also sad, may be experiencing the loss and may want to grieve in a different way. You may want to talk about the loss and cry, while they might prefer to get busy and may process things more quietly or internally. These differences can be challenging to navigate, but it is important to remember that there is no one way to grieve. Naturally, not carrying the child and experiencing the physical ramifications of the loss will understandably most often lessen your partner’s experience of grief. Showing your partner this post and sharing your personal experience, while also allowing them to share theirs with you, can be a supportive way to connect even within the loss. Feeling alone in your grief, whether individually or as a couple, can intensify the pain, so open and compassionate communication is especially important during these moments.

Many women and couples find that reaching out for pregnancy loss support can be an important part of their healing. Having a space where your experience is understood, where you don’t have to explain or minimize your pain, and where your grief can be held with care, can make a meaningful difference. You are not alone in your loss, and you do not have to navigate your grief alone.

If you are looking for compassionate pregnancy loss support, please contact our clinic to schedule a confidential consultation call. Support is available when you’re ready, and at your own pace.